Adventures In Dreamland

I never quite know how to feel about sleep. Which of course is a very strange statement to make, but its true; I never really know how to feel about it. I’m usually caught somewhere between despising it, and adoring it so much that I’d like to maintain it for a very long time. I seem to swing between four, six, or twelve hours sleep. I love to sleep, and this is often my downfall.

If I allowed myself, I’d sleep from midnight until 11am, every day. In fact, I could sleep all day, and then I’d stay up all night, and this is what I did last year. However, I don’t like not seeing even the smallest amount of daylight; waking at 2pm in the winter means you are essentially nocturnal. Getting up at 7am is however, infinitely harder. It’s like you are trying to rebel against the biological want to stay in bed, all day. I read somewhere that adolescents are prone to this, and as you get older, it gets easier to be up early, and to be early. But this is what I’m trying for. In fact, I was doing rather well until two weeks ago, when I went home for a little while, and didn’t need to be up early at the gym everyday. This is my problem; I’m a creature of habit, of routine.

But now, I’m working hard at crawling back into routine. I’ve broken out my Outlook program again, and started planning meals. I did a nice healthy ASDA shop earlier, and looked at ways of making sleep patterns better. I’ve planned my week out with a colour coded schedule. It sounds so completely over-organised, but it seems to be the best way to make me get things done. I can’t abide not doing anything at all, and so scheduling, well, it gives me goals. Some people hate structure, and routine; I adore it. Have goals and achieving them is by far the most satisfying feeling in the world.

And this is just the breakfast nap... (1)

Sleeping however, allows our minds to flow into the deepest recesses of ourselves. It’s amazing when we consider what can happen in dreams. Dreams are always so much better than television; it seems miraculous that we can create imagery and story lines in such depth. And equally it’s scary, because our minds have secrets from themselves. I find psychology interesting but at the same time, I hate the idea of somebody poking about inside minds. We know very little about the brain, in comparison with what we know about other organs. We know all there is to know about the heart; we know how it works, what happens when we change things about it. It seems vaguely dangerous that we can play with the enigma that is the brain, it’s function, and assume what it can do. Like playing with chemicals that have only just been discovered, you can’t know what the reaction can be. Psychology helps people, but I imagine it hinders them sometimes too.

So really, in conclusion, too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I think that’s a good mentality to have. A little of everything, but an excess of nothing. That whole sentence made me feel so old, and so boring. Oscar Wilde would have been thoroughly ashamed.





The Realisation of Complacency

Today, I made an alarming discovery about my mental and physical states of fitness. Which led me to immediately vow that I would change; become more disciplined, fitter, and more aware of food groups. This however will require some commitment on my part; renouncing my deep and everlasting love of Pringles and Chinese food, and forming a wonderful new relationship with the cross trainer in the garage, the swimming pool, and going for rather long walks. It will be tough, but the hardest part to me at least, is wondering how it came to be like this.

When you realise that you have changed, both physically and mentally, you can only wonder when you stopped noticing this change in yourself; what happened to allow you to forget that you still exist as a physical entity? And more to the point, when did you stop wanting to do better? I think this is the worst part, to me at least, because I always want to better at something. I’ve been like this since I was a little kid. I’ve always wanted to look better, feel better, and do better than I did last time, and I think the problem is that I became complacent of myself.

People never do better if they are completely and perfectly happy; perfection, it would seem, does not come from happiness. It comes from relentlessly trying to do it better, no matter what it is; whether it’s making a perfect cheese sauce, being fitter, or getting better academic reviews, complacency does not lead to perfection. A complete obsession with perfection is how people grow. This is where the experts come from. They emerge from their libraries, for only an hour a day, and then they go back in. They do it because they feel as though they are not yet finished, and they, fundamentally, never give up researching, looking into new projects, and writing books, because there is always the nagging sensation in the back of their minds that they aren’t quite done yet. Nothing is finished, as yet.

Sometimes, you have to just drag yourself up a mountain. (1)

This is how I feel most of the time too; largely, I feel as though I have barely started, and therefore complacency at this point is simply idleness and laziness. Therefore, as of tomorrow, I will be implementing a new routine which will hopefully combat this complacency. I cannot abide stand to do nothing, produce nothing; so I will be filling my days with productive hours instead of catching up on television, and I will push through the inevitable barrier of pain, and hopefully, I’ll start to see the results within a week or so.

The human spirit is essentially what allows us to improve because we want to do better. There are people who do not have this desire to have everything; that is entirely their prerogative, and every individual is entitled to act as they wish. However, I’m of the disposition that says I have to do better.

Like I said at the very beginning of this blog, I want to be a writer. That’s all. I want to be good at what I do. So instead of talking about it, and dancing around the idea of being this person that I have fashioned for myself,  I guess I should just knuckle down and start.