My Impersonation of A Mosquito

There are few things as daunting as starting a new job, or a new work placement. It’s even more daunting starting a job in these modem days because work placements are like gold-dust, and if you are lucky enough to be interviewed for a job you’d actually like to take, well, that’s quite an achievement. And so it means that you will want to dig your fingernails into its epidermis, and cling on to it, like it’s a zip wire over a pool of starving sharks.

It’s better, and it’s worse, when its a job that you don’t intend on being in for the rest of your life. It’s better, because then you don’t worry so much about every career move. It’s worse because you are no closer to having the job of your dreams, and the experience you are gaining is irrelevant. All that is important in this situation is the capital generated. Because capital lets you do exciting things like master’s degrees, and trips around the world. And we all love round the world trips.

Finding even the smallest job these days is a massive triumph, because we’ve got more people than jobs, and less money than we have people. It’s all very financially complicated, but I am numerically illiterate. I have been known to spend a week’s rent on shoes, and I am (or at least can be) hideously financially irresponsible. Helpfully I have a guilt mechanism when I exceed a certain financial limit I set myself.

This made me laugh.(1)

Since yesterday morning, I’ve continued my greedy quest for what will be “GASP!”, my second job. Having two lives means I have two jobs. I have two bank accounts, and two sets of bedding, I have two gym memberships. I look like I’m running a B&B for twins.

Since my lastest new year’s revelation, I’ve decided that until I can get a job at the one hotel I’d like to work for, I’m going to email them weekly. I will also be phoning, and paying visits. Essentially so that they’ll realize that if they employ me, they’ll actually see less of me, thus creating a win-win situation. People these days, have to be resilient. Mosquitoes are still thriving, because they’re evil, soulless, persistent beings. Humanity needs a little more mosquito. Ask, ask, email, ask, telephone, ask, ask, telephone boss- to – be’s wife, ask, beg, ask, threaten, ask, ask… You get the point.

Aside from finding you incredibly irritating, any prospective employer will see that you are resilient, thick skinned, and persistent. If you actually went so far as to tell on the boss to his wife, then he will probably take out some sort of injunction against you. But then again, he might find bravery an admirable trait to. If anything, you’ll make an impression.

So, dear reader, the moral of the story is persistence. Perseverance. And the ability to act like a predator, stalking his prey. I’ve emailed this hotel about six times in as many weeks. The manager might be deleting my emails. But they’re going to keep cropping up like a serious skin disease, until the time he goes to a surgeon, and begs for the problem to be removed.





The Art of Procrastination

There is something very inviting about procrastination; not doing what you really ought to be doing, in favour of doing something that is either productive indirectly, or productive in terms of increasing your knowledge of Channel 4 “mockumentaries” or spending money your student budget doesn’t cover, or chatting to your friends on Skype. However, it becomes a paradox in that there is a guilt underpinning the procrastination, and said victim of procrastination is likely to be sitting around saying “I really should be doing…”. And thus begins a cycle of unproductive behaviour and subsequent lack of self-worth.

Therefore, the art of procrastination is to only do it when it will actually be productive to do so; for example, when you’re about to rush into buying another woollen jumper that you don’t really need, or when you’re considering going to sit in the student union all night, spending disproportionate amounts of money in relation to the amount of fun you actually will have. You should procrastinate here. This kind of procrastination is what I’m going to call “positive.”

However, being a student, I’m learning about procrastination; procrastination on reading invariably makes it harder and harder to begin such a venture, leading to the hapless look on a person’s face in a seminar when they realise that they really should have done a little research into the concept of Greek catharsis, or Aristotle’s explanation of the tragedy. Also, by not doing to reading, life becomes slightly less enjoyable, because you become a tiny tadpole in an ocean of knowledge, about to be eaten by the sharks swimming around. So procrastination is a bad thing in this scenario.

There are also little everyday scenarios where procrastination may be a negative thing, for example. Procrastinating of laundry, which leads to a lack of clean clothes and an ever-growing pile of dirty t-shirts in the corner of your room. This inevitably creates the smell of socks. Also, if you procrastinate in either the buying or preparing of food, your diet begins to consist of supernoodles, cup-a-soup and Kitkats. A typical student existence then.

But, speaking for myself, I only procrastinate on two occasions: exhaustion and illness. I lack the strength of will for extensive procrastination, you see; the guilt eats away at me, ruining the supposed relaxation anyway. So now, I’m off to investigate The Second Sex, by Simone De Beauvoir, to stave off any potential seminar regret tomorrow.